Don't make out with my wife yet
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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