that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Drunk is not a location!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
