My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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