I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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