just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
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Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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