I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
