i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
