Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Never joke about your clitoris.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
