Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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