So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
