i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
