you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
