I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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