we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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