If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
