Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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