My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
