tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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