4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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