there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
