I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
