im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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