i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
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I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
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How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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