Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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