Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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