I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
