tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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