I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
