Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
