Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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