Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
