I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
