I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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