I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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