My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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