you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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