i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize