WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
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So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
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Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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