If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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