she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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