I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
