eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
