sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
