She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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