I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
