Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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