if i can run in heels then i can drive
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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