I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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