I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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