I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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