I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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