I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
