His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
