why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
