What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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