i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
