Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
