Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
