Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
