i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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