think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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