last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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